Birthdaylicious Jan and Feb

It’s a tradition for a narcissistic like me to indulge into celebrating a month long birthday. I convince myself that I have far too many caring people in my life who are just too busy to wish me on the exact day, so I make their life easier by keeping the wish box open for slightly longer than a day – a month.

Perhaps this is how working people welcome their birthdays – by sleeping it through and get mocked by their friends for not answering their calls. However I had the usual 100 mouths of kids to look into and a KFC lunch treat by my mentor at work.

Anyone who says money is the root of all evil is ingenuously stupid. Your hard earned cash is so precious you only want to keep saving unless it’s for something equivalent to saving lives. Therefore I used mine to purchase myself a proper smartphone. A phone in which I could annoy the world by instagramming every cool bits of my life. Uh oh at least I don’t post pictures of my food.

Not yet!

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I touched another milestone in my life. I drove up north. On my own. All alone. To spend the weekend with my friends. I’m trying to shut down this stupid voice in my head which says stop pretending like you’ve never done more bizarre things than this before.

Noh, voice!

This is different. I got permission this time. From my parents.

Right. I just turned 25 and still seeking parental approval. Bite me!
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We did all the touristy stuff we could in Penang island. We stayed by a beach resort, we walked under the hot sun looking for wall arts and when we got tired, we drew like pros in the ever cool China House.

We did all the friendsy stuff we could too. We screamed like mad cows when we see Ferrari on the road, we blasted the radio and sang out loud, we smiled at random car drivers to be given way in a long queue and when Maps decide to be bitchy, we chorusly say shaaaaddddaaappp !!!!

We jumped around like Meredith and Christina. We exchanged gasps at the mention of Mark’s name. We aaaawwwwhed at Derek. We randomly brought in Grey’s Anatomy quotes everywhere we could.

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My girls, Thanks for a wonderful wonderful holiday. I heart you crazy chicks like none other. Penang’14 is indeed unforgettable.

“When I finally meet you, I want to whisper in your ears – you happened to me”

Goodbye’13; Hello’14.

I’ve been intending to write this last night, while sipping my hot green tea, post Kenny Roger’s dinner with my parents. Which they didn’t really love, because well, they’re Indian inside and out so they prefer KFC instead. So we stepped into 2014 with yours truly sitting in a big baggy tee and my favorite scrub pants. My soul may feel fat, but body is truly comfortable. This is me being all bright and shiny, a leaf I took out of Meredith’s book. 

Do I sound whiny? Because I don’t intend to be. But oh, if you do think I sound whiny, ignore the voice in your head that’s trying to to poison you against me. Just imagine you’re in Malta, facing the Mediterranean sea and your bed is as such that you could see the stars while you fall asleep. Yes, now you’ll be the kind soul who says only the right things. 

I don’t make resolutions because I’m genetically programmed to break them. Every year throughout my high school days I had more fun in drawing up study schedules, than really following them. I still finished my homework in the school, the next morning. I still asked for extended submission time for assignments. I still get angry. I still snooze my alarm till it gives up on me. I still  clog my arteries and veins with caffeine. I still fucking cry for Disney movies. Bloody hell, I still believe the next man I meet will be Prince Aladdin. 

This year, I’m turning 25 so I’m going plan instead of resoluting. That word should be added to Oxford dictionary. 

1. Don’t let the quarter-life crisis hit me.

I may turn 25, all single and currently not dating any hot men. I may have left my property declaration form blank because well, I have nothing to declare. I may have bank balance which can be emptied in a day for a pair of Jimmy Choo’s. I may be indebted with an amount so impossible to be paid off in a year or two. I may still be living with my parents and my dad taking care of my fuel expenses. 

BUT I refuse to let the panic kicking in. Remember, I am all bright and shiny. 

2. Travel to a new land.

Says it all. One land to conquer each year, before I grow old with Parkinson’s disease. No, I’m not diagnosed yet. No, I don’t have the courage to get examined as well. AND no, I’m not being paranoid. Shut up! 

3. More family time

I’m planning to reduce the intensity of my aloofness, especially in the family department. It makes no harm in letting your guards down slightly with those who stood by you all these years. It’s okay to be less smart, it’s okay to share the details of your dreams, it’s okay to treat them as your friends, it’s okay to put down the book you’re reading and talk to them instead. 

4. Rock FYDO-ship

First month into the government service, I’m enjoying what I get up for at half past five in the morning. I work at a small, ultra basic temporary clinic at the banks of Sungai Perak. The clinic is so basic that if we switch on the air conditioner, the circuit breaker trips. If we overload the consumption with multiple laptops, the fuse blows and burns your adapter.

We only have two rooms, one functioning wash basin, one small autoclave and a few headlights. Yet, we’re managing. It’s amazing how commune community posting can get. 

This is one resolution I intend to keep.

Keep getting entertained by dentistry. Learn as much as life offers to teach. 

5. Read. Read more. And more. And more.

I have to finish reading all the new books I purchased out of impulse, out of interest, out of first impression, out of loyalty and out of BR1M  courtesy. My mom is thanking me for not being able to go to Big Bad Wolf sales because if one more new book comes in, we have to sleep outside with the dog.

So by the end of 2014, I must have read at least 20 more books, be able to recite at least one Shakespearean play scene, learn 200 new bombastic words and memorize their meanings. 

6. Be happy. 

As simple as that. I want to be happy. Storms may blow hard this year. Big waves may try to topple the boat. Heavy rain can ruin long planned picnics. Heart throb may get married to a girl you least liked. Dentures may not fit perfectly and you may need Polident. Roots may fracture and simple extraction may turn into surgical removal. Some child patient may cry his heart out leaving you clueless in the middle of a ward. You may have to break bad news to your patients. You may get doubted of your competency and feel like crap sitting in the locker room. Some days you may want to just disappear into nothingness. Some people may let you down. You may let yourself down. 

Nevertheless I want to able to find happiness in the midst of all the tears. Or else, I want to be able to walk away when I know I am unhappy. If last year has taught me anything, then this is it. Never settle for something or someone who may seem perfect but fail to make you happy. 

It's amazing how Grey's Anatomy has quotes to suit every situations in life.

It’s amazing how Grey’s Anatomy has quotes to suit every situations in life.

Dear 2013, 

I have to admit you were too hard to manage. There were times you hit me so hard that I wanted to just stop. There were times you lost me so badly that I felt like a blind, walking in zig-zag. Honestly I couldn’t wait to be done with you and say goodbye. Thank you for everything, I shall remember what you tried to tell me. And now, the long awaited goodbye. 

Sincerely,

2014-better-be-good.

 

Reality, Go Away.

There was a time, not so long ago, things remained stagnant in my life. And I was dying for some change of routine. I wished I wasn’t waking up at the same time, walking up the same pathway, eating the same crappy cafe food, redoing my denture cases, sitting at the same table in the library and feeling unhappy every night. I was so bored with life that I switched on the self destructive mode and dived head first with taking hasty decisions, just for the knack of it.

Now, I hope life would slow down, with lesser surprises. Within the span of a few months, I have a nephew who speaks tonnes of new words every other time I get to see him, I became a fully registered dentist, got appointed by the ministry, realizing that moving in back with my parents seems to be best idea, my dad lost his mother, my mom lost her sister, and I felt like I lost a friend.

It’s awful to have to see your parents cry. It’s awful to have to think about the future without those people you used to have. It’s awful to have to attend funerals. It’s extremely scary to have to realize that you haven’t prepared yourself to face deaths in your life. You thought you are fully in control with your emotions. You thought nothing really affects you because you learned to keep emotional attachments at bay. But one day, reality hits you really hard on your face. Thankfully though you have make ups to cover the soreness and fake smiles to fool the others.

They say allow time to heal you and the wound. I beg to differ. Time may heal the wounds, leaving scars behind to remind you of the past. But it never really heals YOU. You still hurt inside, but the bright side is you get adapted to the pain that you learn to smile.

Nostalgic November

Innocence - the price we pay in return to growing up.

Innocence – the price we pay in return to growing up.

This is my 22 month old nephew, Narresh. He is the first baby I held in my arms feeling so attached to. The first baby I fed. The first baby I worked so hard to make myself familiar to him. Hands down, he’s my most favorite baby in this entire universe put together at this moment. He is going to grow up into a sweaty little school goer yet I’m gonna love him like I do now. He is going to turn into an annoying teenager rebelling against all odds in this world, yet I’m gonna be advocating for his school excursion permission to his mother.

It’s true that seeing the world from a kid’s eyes is more beautiful than anything else. You start to forget the imperfect you because everything else seems perfect in the incomprehensible words formed by the kid. 

ACS Green

So Ash came over for a short visit and we went on a nostalgia walk in ACS. It is amazing how having a company makes a usual drive unusual. I have been driving all over Sitiawan ever since my dad gave me the liberty of having his new car. I swear I have never felt nostalgic at all to drive along Kg. Koh where I used to go to school for 11 years or the roads I went on the bike with my friends. There is no emotional connection at all. Until your high school best friend comes over and you visit your old teachers together. It’s beyond words could explain when you hug your teacher and have them recollect those days. It’s even beyond words when they address your batch as their babies and you admitting that their classes were your favorite.

Seven years since I graduated from my high school. The huge ass old trees are no more. There are new buildings. The new paint is horrible. But the sentiments remain the same. Some things are insanely unchanged. For instance the disgusting looking old tiles in the toilets, the vanity mirror we used to torture 283748937848 times a day, the corridors, the balcony, the walkways, the bus bay, the canteen benches etc. This is the fortunate bit of semi-government schools, where we’re not provided with enough fund so we reuse our tables and chairs till they can’t be repaired anymore. There is no room for much changes to the infrastructure so they remain the same. The memories are easier to withhold. 

The classroom you peeked at your best friend having a date with her then boyfriend. The balcony you stood all the time to chat with your batchmates from different classes. The walkway you had your crush stopping you to talk under the pretense of a dare by his friends. The stairway steps you had your own first dates. The bus bay you waited for your bus rides. The school hall stage you danced. The canteen bench you hogged with your friends. The toilet walls you had to paint white to erase your name from. The public telephone you used to make prank calls. The school square you spent more hours than in the classrooms. 

If you happen to be reading this, please do yourself a favor by paying a visit to your school, be it the primary, middle or high school. Grab a few friends you know for more than eight years, take loads of pictures, sit and talk about past sweet nothings. It will do you so much of good. 

Look back some time - it may be the exact thing you're needing

Look back some time – it may be the exact thing you’re needing

Past few weeks had been neuroses filled, that I choose not to talk about; write about; cry about – anymore. Some made me extremely sad, some extremely mad. Some made me think and overthink. Some made me stand up for myself and stop from being taken advantage of emotionally, in the name of friendship. Some gave me revelations about what I will never be involved with again. And some just pure magical happiness, that I want to contain within myself.  

I can’t think, you give me thoughts. I can’t write, you hand me dictionaries. I’m sad, you give me smiles. I wan’t you, you want me to want you.

 

Notable October.

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The tenth month of 2013. It bears only ONE single post, that too a very random, short, insignificant one, though October was a very eventful month. I can’t let it blow past just like that, so here comes. 

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They call themselves ‘The Tough Cookies’

After spending about more than three quarter of my life obtaining formal education, I finally graduated with a bachelor’s degree. I don’t know if this beats walking down the aisle, but it definitely beats a lot of other things in life. Like being confused about your future, being helpless in finishing your quota, screwing up, going through a break up, having your ex boyfriend dating your close friend and shit like that. It means hell a lot when you have friends who are willing to go through a really late weekday night just to be there for your graduation party. It means even more when you have a family which comes all the way, just to make sure they’re there for a ceremony they can’t even watch from inside the hall.

End of the day, it just means you didn’t screw up as much as you think you did. It’s okay that you were a mediocre person with worldly flaws and some insecurities. It doesn’t matter what you had to go through because they’re all worth it in the end. It also means you can’t do everything on your own. In fact you don’t have to. Help is given when you let your guards down. 

 Thank you all, for being there. All the time. Through my emotional rants and pointless arguments. Thank you all for sticking, till the end. Thank you those, for letting go and leaving. We clearly deserve better. 

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The unexpected is what changes our lives.

Arshia got married. I was overwhelmed with emotions; is an understatement.

Ash,

We’re past the stage where we need to prove our friendship to the world. We know we have a long more way to go. I’m so glad I made it to your wedding, correct your dhuppatta every now and then, pass some confidence across the room when you look at me randomly, share some of your jitters and just feel completely happy for you. I wish you all the luck in the world and a very bright married life. May Bilal and you don’t lose yourselves in the marriage but complete each other in every way possible.

And oh, like I mentioned earlier; a couch in your living room. Thank you. 

It’s amazing and frustrating how time flies so bloody fast. It’s even more frustrating that the phrase is overused. It feels cliched when I say it feels like only yesterday was 31st July and now it’s already 3 months since I moved in back with my parents; with no job in hand. Initially it was appealing to spend the holidays chilling. Now, the magic is washing off. I just want to start working already, before I forget how to obtain proper history and construct the right treatment plan.

Road of Joy.

Not only success, happiness too takes its own sweet time to knock on your door. You were told that happiness is nowhere outside, it’s only within yourself. Yet, you never seemed to understand.

You thought it has beautiful wings like a rare butterfly and started chasing after a few. One after another.

You thought happiness is completeness and you searched for the one who you believed your other half.

You mistook that happiness is growing wings and flying far from your nest. Only to come home one day. 

You had a set of quotes to describe happiness. You thought prayers bring happiness. 

You build a wall around you hoping to contain happiness. Only to be proven otherwise. 

It took Time, to heal the wounds and refresh your heart. It took hard times to show you what happiness really is. 

It is in the blessings you count each morning upon waking up. It is in the love of parents, who seemed to understand you in the time of despair. It is in the affection of friends, who genuinely wish for your success and miss your presence. It is in the eyes of your dog. It is in the nature, when the wind blows hard. It is in the food that you cook, every onions that you cut, every drop of oil in the pan.

It is in you, sitting on the swing and watching your neighborhood kids screaming at one another.