Hurt no more

 

At the age of 16, I developed this illogical theory with my super genius best friend. That the more you laugh today, the more tears you’ll have tomorrow. I don’t know if everyone treats life as business like that or it was just us with the twisted brains. However,  the older I got the theory was proven more right than wrong. Perhaps power of attraction. 

I am generally a positive person, with the outer appearance of a strong personality. Then why does Life screw up with me when I feel nothing could go wrong? Around this time last year, I was down with depression and anxiety disorder which  resulted making worst choices in life. I am finally getting over it by ending all the toxic indulgences and keeping some addictions at bay. I have quit the previous job which didn’t give me the happiness I’d want and settled in a new, much better job. 

Yes, I was finally happy with a home full of family members who await my arrival after work, weekends filled with healthy activities and much much lesser anxiety attacks. 

Up until last week. To be exact, four days ago. 

I never ever imagined the big C would appear in my family. I’ve read so much about every cancers out there, joked about carcinogens inappropriately, self-diagnosed my stupid headaches as brain tumors, reviewed plenty of leukemic children myself; but who knew one of my own will be down with it. That too at the tender age of four. 

The fear of awaiting diagnosis is real. The constant running thoughts about chemotherapy and it’s side effects are real. The occasional tears while driving or in bed is real. The power of self-assurance is real. The yearning for everything to be a bad dream is so real that it hurts to even breathe normally.

Those who are reading this, please say a prayer for a moment or two. For the little boy who is fighting cancer like the warrior that none of us could be.

The journey has started, and I’m hoping soon it will be a real bad dream for all of us and we could be happy again. 

 

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Icebreak.

It has been two years. I really can’t believe this. I can’t believe how I didn’t manage to write a single post decent enough to be posted in public. It’s not like I’m Rowling or Coelho or my writer ex boyfriend, who actually write substantial stuff but writing to me hold a significance. For example writing means being able to put my squabbling thoughts into strings of constructed sentences. It also means my English is still intact.

Thus to break this stupid ice, I am going to ramble about random things. Maybe updates – about me, about my friends, about my dog, about my non-existent social life, about Grey’s Anatomy. And get this hiatus done. So that I could unfreeze and write more often.

I moved out from my hometown, to a new sub-city. I rented my own place with a jacuzzi, which I personally feel overrated because my 3 year old nephew could count the number of times I was in it. No, scratch that. My nephew is a superhero who could count more than that. I had a king size bed all to myself, an open walk in closet, cooked some meals for myself and perhaps a date, had a privilege card to the bar I frequently visited, had my favorite by the window seat at my favorite coffee shop, regular massage parlor and memorized the stores in two malls before I moved back with my parents. I love Ipoh, it holds a very nostalgic place in my heart. But my liver is quite thanking me now, if you know what I mean.

I walked in and out of a few flings, one terrible relationship with even more horrible breakup. I sailed through some sessions with the shrink, though didn’t manage to finish them because honestly I just wanted the pills, not the talking sessions. I had sleeping disorders, eating disorders, keeping human contact disorders, but I was still kicking ass. Or that’s what I’d like to believe. Yes, I totally do. Self confidence is the key.

I had a fallout, with some people I never thought I would. They were once the most important people in my life. I called them my second family. All of a sudden, I went non-existent to them, and perhaps vice versa. The worst part of such fallout is the pain that creeps on you like a shadow, slowly blending into your daily life until you don’t realize it’s there anymore. The best part is, well – yet to come.

I have two favorite nephews now. One is three and ten months old while the other is a pile of 6 months. It’s incredible how much energy does a three year old toddler stores in his tiny tiny body. And it’s much more incredible how peaceful he looks while in his sleep. He nibbles on my ears at times, bites my cheek at other times and mostly he just screams away my name when I don’t lose to him in a wrestle battle. I didn’t know I love babies until I got these two handfuls and now I’m finding for father to my children rather than a husband. Quarter-life crisis starts exactly like this.

I went through my first year postings, and when this month ends, I’m completing my two years of compulsory service with the Ministry of Health. I’m sinking deeper into root canals and finding my happiness in building back broken cusps. I hear suction sound with each border molding and patients saying they feel much younger with their new set of teeth. I wear wedges to work because that reminds me of my mentor, who is basking her way in Manchester. I think the entire dental world is envious of her now.

My best friend is pregnant, due in January hopefully. Our daily conversations are about her swollen feet and her baby girl kicking ass in the tummy. I also got to know about Northern Lights and it has become my new bucket list now. Of course next to teaching Arshia’s baby some skills she needs in her later life. My another best friend is a masters student now with her first ever job to hold. She looks more gorgeous than ever, all thanks to the Californian sun she’s getting perhaps. All in all, thanks to Internet God, I still have my person(s) with me through thick and thin.

Some things haven’t change. I still wear my scrub pants to sleep, they’re still super comfortable. My dog still pretends to be scared of something we all can’t see just to get to sleep inside the house. Grey’s Anatomy is still an addiction, with or without Derek Shepherd. Oh by the way, I hate not having him around. I fucking hate Shonda for killing EVERY-Fucking-BODY. Later she’s gonna kill Meredith and call it No-Grey’s Anatomy. I’m still obsessed with Instagram and taking selfies, because let’s face it – I look great in my own photos. Or I just know my angles well. Like every other girl in this world.

It’s going to be Monday in an hour and I’m going to bed – because I’m an adult and know my priorities. Trying so hard to repeat that to myself so that I finally grow up before I reach my big thirty.

Goodbye’13; Hello’14.

I’ve been intending to write this last night, while sipping my hot green tea, post Kenny Roger’s dinner with my parents. Which they didn’t really love, because well, they’re Indian inside and out so they prefer KFC instead. So we stepped into 2014 with yours truly sitting in a big baggy tee and my favorite scrub pants. My soul may feel fat, but body is truly comfortable. This is me being all bright and shiny, a leaf I took out of Meredith’s book. 

Do I sound whiny? Because I don’t intend to be. But oh, if you do think I sound whiny, ignore the voice in your head that’s trying to to poison you against me. Just imagine you’re in Malta, facing the Mediterranean sea and your bed is as such that you could see the stars while you fall asleep. Yes, now you’ll be the kind soul who says only the right things. 

I don’t make resolutions because I’m genetically programmed to break them. Every year throughout my high school days I had more fun in drawing up study schedules, than really following them. I still finished my homework in the school, the next morning. I still asked for extended submission time for assignments. I still get angry. I still snooze my alarm till it gives up on me. I still  clog my arteries and veins with caffeine. I still fucking cry for Disney movies. Bloody hell, I still believe the next man I meet will be Prince Aladdin. 

This year, I’m turning 25 so I’m going plan instead of resoluting. That word should be added to Oxford dictionary. 

1. Don’t let the quarter-life crisis hit me.

I may turn 25, all single and currently not dating any hot men. I may have left my property declaration form blank because well, I have nothing to declare. I may have bank balance which can be emptied in a day for a pair of Jimmy Choo’s. I may be indebted with an amount so impossible to be paid off in a year or two. I may still be living with my parents and my dad taking care of my fuel expenses. 

BUT I refuse to let the panic kicking in. Remember, I am all bright and shiny. 

2. Travel to a new land.

Says it all. One land to conquer each year, before I grow old with Parkinson’s disease. No, I’m not diagnosed yet. No, I don’t have the courage to get examined as well. AND no, I’m not being paranoid. Shut up! 

3. More family time

I’m planning to reduce the intensity of my aloofness, especially in the family department. It makes no harm in letting your guards down slightly with those who stood by you all these years. It’s okay to be less smart, it’s okay to share the details of your dreams, it’s okay to treat them as your friends, it’s okay to put down the book you’re reading and talk to them instead. 

4. Rock FYDO-ship

First month into the government service, I’m enjoying what I get up for at half past five in the morning. I work at a small, ultra basic temporary clinic at the banks of Sungai Perak. The clinic is so basic that if we switch on the air conditioner, the circuit breaker trips. If we overload the consumption with multiple laptops, the fuse blows and burns your adapter.

We only have two rooms, one functioning wash basin, one small autoclave and a few headlights. Yet, we’re managing. It’s amazing how commune community posting can get. 

This is one resolution I intend to keep.

Keep getting entertained by dentistry. Learn as much as life offers to teach. 

5. Read. Read more. And more. And more.

I have to finish reading all the new books I purchased out of impulse, out of interest, out of first impression, out of loyalty and out of BR1M  courtesy. My mom is thanking me for not being able to go to Big Bad Wolf sales because if one more new book comes in, we have to sleep outside with the dog.

So by the end of 2014, I must have read at least 20 more books, be able to recite at least one Shakespearean play scene, learn 200 new bombastic words and memorize their meanings. 

6. Be happy. 

As simple as that. I want to be happy. Storms may blow hard this year. Big waves may try to topple the boat. Heavy rain can ruin long planned picnics. Heart throb may get married to a girl you least liked. Dentures may not fit perfectly and you may need Polident. Roots may fracture and simple extraction may turn into surgical removal. Some child patient may cry his heart out leaving you clueless in the middle of a ward. You may have to break bad news to your patients. You may get doubted of your competency and feel like crap sitting in the locker room. Some days you may want to just disappear into nothingness. Some people may let you down. You may let yourself down. 

Nevertheless I want to able to find happiness in the midst of all the tears. Or else, I want to be able to walk away when I know I am unhappy. If last year has taught me anything, then this is it. Never settle for something or someone who may seem perfect but fail to make you happy. 

It's amazing how Grey's Anatomy has quotes to suit every situations in life.

It’s amazing how Grey’s Anatomy has quotes to suit every situations in life.

Dear 2013, 

I have to admit you were too hard to manage. There were times you hit me so hard that I wanted to just stop. There were times you lost me so badly that I felt like a blind, walking in zig-zag. Honestly I couldn’t wait to be done with you and say goodbye. Thank you for everything, I shall remember what you tried to tell me. And now, the long awaited goodbye. 

Sincerely,

2014-better-be-good.

 

Reality, Go Away.

There was a time, not so long ago, things remained stagnant in my life. And I was dying for some change of routine. I wished I wasn’t waking up at the same time, walking up the same pathway, eating the same crappy cafe food, redoing my denture cases, sitting at the same table in the library and feeling unhappy every night. I was so bored with life that I switched on the self destructive mode and dived head first with taking hasty decisions, just for the knack of it.

Now, I hope life would slow down, with lesser surprises. Within the span of a few months, I have a nephew who speaks tonnes of new words every other time I get to see him, I became a fully registered dentist, got appointed by the ministry, realizing that moving in back with my parents seems to be best idea, my dad lost his mother, my mom lost her sister, and I felt like I lost a friend.

It’s awful to have to see your parents cry. It’s awful to have to think about the future without those people you used to have. It’s awful to have to attend funerals. It’s extremely scary to have to realize that you haven’t prepared yourself to face deaths in your life. You thought you are fully in control with your emotions. You thought nothing really affects you because you learned to keep emotional attachments at bay. But one day, reality hits you really hard on your face. Thankfully though you have make ups to cover the soreness and fake smiles to fool the others.

They say allow time to heal you and the wound. I beg to differ. Time may heal the wounds, leaving scars behind to remind you of the past. But it never really heals YOU. You still hurt inside, but the bright side is you get adapted to the pain that you learn to smile.

Nostalgic November

Innocence - the price we pay in return to growing up.

Innocence – the price we pay in return to growing up.

This is my 22 month old nephew, Narresh. He is the first baby I held in my arms feeling so attached to. The first baby I fed. The first baby I worked so hard to make myself familiar to him. Hands down, he’s my most favorite baby in this entire universe put together at this moment. He is going to grow up into a sweaty little school goer yet I’m gonna love him like I do now. He is going to turn into an annoying teenager rebelling against all odds in this world, yet I’m gonna be advocating for his school excursion permission to his mother.

It’s true that seeing the world from a kid’s eyes is more beautiful than anything else. You start to forget the imperfect you because everything else seems perfect in the incomprehensible words formed by the kid. 

ACS Green

So Ash came over for a short visit and we went on a nostalgia walk in ACS. It is amazing how having a company makes a usual drive unusual. I have been driving all over Sitiawan ever since my dad gave me the liberty of having his new car. I swear I have never felt nostalgic at all to drive along Kg. Koh where I used to go to school for 11 years or the roads I went on the bike with my friends. There is no emotional connection at all. Until your high school best friend comes over and you visit your old teachers together. It’s beyond words could explain when you hug your teacher and have them recollect those days. It’s even beyond words when they address your batch as their babies and you admitting that their classes were your favorite.

Seven years since I graduated from my high school. The huge ass old trees are no more. There are new buildings. The new paint is horrible. But the sentiments remain the same. Some things are insanely unchanged. For instance the disgusting looking old tiles in the toilets, the vanity mirror we used to torture 283748937848 times a day, the corridors, the balcony, the walkways, the bus bay, the canteen benches etc. This is the fortunate bit of semi-government schools, where we’re not provided with enough fund so we reuse our tables and chairs till they can’t be repaired anymore. There is no room for much changes to the infrastructure so they remain the same. The memories are easier to withhold. 

The classroom you peeked at your best friend having a date with her then boyfriend. The balcony you stood all the time to chat with your batchmates from different classes. The walkway you had your crush stopping you to talk under the pretense of a dare by his friends. The stairway steps you had your own first dates. The bus bay you waited for your bus rides. The school hall stage you danced. The canteen bench you hogged with your friends. The toilet walls you had to paint white to erase your name from. The public telephone you used to make prank calls. The school square you spent more hours than in the classrooms. 

If you happen to be reading this, please do yourself a favor by paying a visit to your school, be it the primary, middle or high school. Grab a few friends you know for more than eight years, take loads of pictures, sit and talk about past sweet nothings. It will do you so much of good. 

Look back some time - it may be the exact thing you're needing

Look back some time – it may be the exact thing you’re needing

Past few weeks had been neuroses filled, that I choose not to talk about; write about; cry about – anymore. Some made me extremely sad, some extremely mad. Some made me think and overthink. Some made me stand up for myself and stop from being taken advantage of emotionally, in the name of friendship. Some gave me revelations about what I will never be involved with again. And some just pure magical happiness, that I want to contain within myself.  

I can’t think, you give me thoughts. I can’t write, you hand me dictionaries. I’m sad, you give me smiles. I wan’t you, you want me to want you.

 

Notable October.

2013-10-03-2118

The tenth month of 2013. It bears only ONE single post, that too a very random, short, insignificant one, though October was a very eventful month. I can’t let it blow past just like that, so here comes. 

2013-10

They call themselves ‘The Tough Cookies’

After spending about more than three quarter of my life obtaining formal education, I finally graduated with a bachelor’s degree. I don’t know if this beats walking down the aisle, but it definitely beats a lot of other things in life. Like being confused about your future, being helpless in finishing your quota, screwing up, going through a break up, having your ex boyfriend dating your close friend and shit like that. It means hell a lot when you have friends who are willing to go through a really late weekday night just to be there for your graduation party. It means even more when you have a family which comes all the way, just to make sure they’re there for a ceremony they can’t even watch from inside the hall.

End of the day, it just means you didn’t screw up as much as you think you did. It’s okay that you were a mediocre person with worldly flaws and some insecurities. It doesn’t matter what you had to go through because they’re all worth it in the end. It also means you can’t do everything on your own. In fact you don’t have to. Help is given when you let your guards down. 

 Thank you all, for being there. All the time. Through my emotional rants and pointless arguments. Thank you all for sticking, till the end. Thank you those, for letting go and leaving. We clearly deserve better. 

2013-10-23-2215

The unexpected is what changes our lives.

Arshia got married. I was overwhelmed with emotions; is an understatement.

Ash,

We’re past the stage where we need to prove our friendship to the world. We know we have a long more way to go. I’m so glad I made it to your wedding, correct your dhuppatta every now and then, pass some confidence across the room when you look at me randomly, share some of your jitters and just feel completely happy for you. I wish you all the luck in the world and a very bright married life. May Bilal and you don’t lose yourselves in the marriage but complete each other in every way possible.

And oh, like I mentioned earlier; a couch in your living room. Thank you. 

It’s amazing and frustrating how time flies so bloody fast. It’s even more frustrating that the phrase is overused. It feels cliched when I say it feels like only yesterday was 31st July and now it’s already 3 months since I moved in back with my parents; with no job in hand. Initially it was appealing to spend the holidays chilling. Now, the magic is washing off. I just want to start working already, before I forget how to obtain proper history and construct the right treatment plan.

Wedding bells – freaking everywhere.

quarter life crisis

I have like onetwothreefour months to go before I turn 25, but life really doesn’t give a damn. So I’m officially meddling my quarter life crisis. Early of this year, when I was struggling in an on and off relationship and confused of what really want from life, my high school best friend texted me saying, “Rat, I got engaged!”

And I got a cardiac arrest. Needed a week to recover. No joke. The best friend you walked around the school, hand-in-hand. The one you had sleepovers with, bitching about the entire universe.  The one who listened to your first love rantings. The one who helped to plan your dream wedding. 

One week ago, when I have finally moved on from my break up and being jobless at home, my another best friend texted me saying, ‘Rats, you have to fly to India, I’m getting engaged in few days!” 

When I mean jobless, I mean I have only 2 bucks in my purse, no more allowance AND my network being barred. Thank you. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not against marriage neither singlehood. In fact I love being all single and ready to mingle again. I enjoy flirting with no strings attached. What bothers me is I have no clue how people decide to settle down, at such young age, with such short notice. Am I the only over-dramatic individual who gets worked up about commitment issues and sharing the same bathroom with another person, who happens to share the same bed with you? 

People I know take a huge risk of leaving their old life back and fly to a whole new country with all this optimistic views. Whereas I make wishes each time the clock turns 11:11. And boy, do the wishes come true?

No.

Why?

Because by the time I think of a wish, the minute passes by.