Dream – until it becomes true

I am an avid believer of dreams and keep the faith going. Almost all my life, there’s this phrase which rings so familiar to all the cells in my body.

If you want something so badly in life, the entire universe will conspire it to happen, somehow.

It is preached by Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist. The little shepherd boy taught me so much more than life itself could. It was the core of the movie Om Shanti Om, which made the movie stand up against the cliched theme.

Thus I dream. I dream so much that sometimes reality hurts. I dream so much that I am often wandering in my own world, trying to make the dream come true. I dream so much that sometimes I am scared of my own potential and almost give up.

Some 4 years ago, when I was in my fourth year of dental school, I dreamed of traveling to every nook and crook of Europe and Britain – preferably on my own. I made a folder about the continents, I had the ebooks downloaded and spent hours and hours planning trips that may not even materialize at that time. I dreamed of falling in love, traveling among the locals and then write down every detail in my journal.

Down the road, I had to graduate, save some money, lose myself in depression, fall in and out of love and let life take the negative course upon me and my dreams. But I kept the faith going. That things will not be the same forever. That I wont be a stagnant puddle for long, it’s just a phase and I will flow free again.

Today, right at this moment I am sitting in a coffee shop in Dubai International Airport. With a smile on my face, which may seem a little absurd to the fellow travelers – to see a girl on her own, typing abruptly on her laptop, smiling to herself.

Yes, I dream. And will keep dreaming. Because nothing else worth more than being overwhelmed of having your dream come true.

Just Imagine.

You thought you had your life planned out. You fight hard to remain where you are. Or so you thought you had fought hard enough. You have found the right light to shine through your path. Or so you thought the ray is enough. You adjusted your needs to match the counterpart’s. Or so you thought compromise is the key. You lit up a fire in you hoping it will keep burning. Or so you thought the fire doesn’t need oil to keep it from burning out.

How wrong you were. Though it took one random day to slap the realization into you.

Or one night.

A night that literally topples your existing routine.

Ridiculously thrilling. Stupidly time freezing. Pettifully significant. Patronizingly uninhibited.
Change is inevitable. Change is unstoppable. Change is progress. Welcome each change that steps into your life, be it invited or otherwise. Be grateful to each wave that topples your boat because each time you get back on the boat, you may change course of direction. Sometimes you may sit and listen down all the waves that changed you. Sometimes all the pointers encompass around a single iceberg. Usually your own happiness.

Happiness is subjective. For some, deep things like giving hair wash for the homeless makes them happy.  For some seeing the fuel meter show full.

For a dentist, perfectly shaped access cavity and reaching full working length in first attempt thrills them. For a fantasy lover,  Aladdin bringing Jasmine on a magic  carpet ride makes her happy.  For an internet freak, full mobile signal makes her happy. For a girl with her bffs across the  continent, perfect Viber call quality makes her happy.

Do not regret doing anything that made you happy.  Do not feel ashamed you let vulnerability take hold of you.  Do not resent the reason behind your good night peaceful slumber.

Goodbye’13; Hello’14.

I’ve been intending to write this last night, while sipping my hot green tea, post Kenny Roger’s dinner with my parents. Which they didn’t really love, because well, they’re Indian inside and out so they prefer KFC instead. So we stepped into 2014 with yours truly sitting in a big baggy tee and my favorite scrub pants. My soul may feel fat, but body is truly comfortable. This is me being all bright and shiny, a leaf I took out of Meredith’s book. 

Do I sound whiny? Because I don’t intend to be. But oh, if you do think I sound whiny, ignore the voice in your head that’s trying to to poison you against me. Just imagine you’re in Malta, facing the Mediterranean sea and your bed is as such that you could see the stars while you fall asleep. Yes, now you’ll be the kind soul who says only the right things. 

I don’t make resolutions because I’m genetically programmed to break them. Every year throughout my high school days I had more fun in drawing up study schedules, than really following them. I still finished my homework in the school, the next morning. I still asked for extended submission time for assignments. I still get angry. I still snooze my alarm till it gives up on me. I still  clog my arteries and veins with caffeine. I still fucking cry for Disney movies. Bloody hell, I still believe the next man I meet will be Prince Aladdin. 

This year, I’m turning 25 so I’m going plan instead of resoluting. That word should be added to Oxford dictionary. 

1. Don’t let the quarter-life crisis hit me.

I may turn 25, all single and currently not dating any hot men. I may have left my property declaration form blank because well, I have nothing to declare. I may have bank balance which can be emptied in a day for a pair of Jimmy Choo’s. I may be indebted with an amount so impossible to be paid off in a year or two. I may still be living with my parents and my dad taking care of my fuel expenses. 

BUT I refuse to let the panic kicking in. Remember, I am all bright and shiny. 

2. Travel to a new land.

Says it all. One land to conquer each year, before I grow old with Parkinson’s disease. No, I’m not diagnosed yet. No, I don’t have the courage to get examined as well. AND no, I’m not being paranoid. Shut up! 

3. More family time

I’m planning to reduce the intensity of my aloofness, especially in the family department. It makes no harm in letting your guards down slightly with those who stood by you all these years. It’s okay to be less smart, it’s okay to share the details of your dreams, it’s okay to treat them as your friends, it’s okay to put down the book you’re reading and talk to them instead. 

4. Rock FYDO-ship

First month into the government service, I’m enjoying what I get up for at half past five in the morning. I work at a small, ultra basic temporary clinic at the banks of Sungai Perak. The clinic is so basic that if we switch on the air conditioner, the circuit breaker trips. If we overload the consumption with multiple laptops, the fuse blows and burns your adapter.

We only have two rooms, one functioning wash basin, one small autoclave and a few headlights. Yet, we’re managing. It’s amazing how commune community posting can get. 

This is one resolution I intend to keep.

Keep getting entertained by dentistry. Learn as much as life offers to teach. 

5. Read. Read more. And more. And more.

I have to finish reading all the new books I purchased out of impulse, out of interest, out of first impression, out of loyalty and out of BR1M  courtesy. My mom is thanking me for not being able to go to Big Bad Wolf sales because if one more new book comes in, we have to sleep outside with the dog.

So by the end of 2014, I must have read at least 20 more books, be able to recite at least one Shakespearean play scene, learn 200 new bombastic words and memorize their meanings. 

6. Be happy. 

As simple as that. I want to be happy. Storms may blow hard this year. Big waves may try to topple the boat. Heavy rain can ruin long planned picnics. Heart throb may get married to a girl you least liked. Dentures may not fit perfectly and you may need Polident. Roots may fracture and simple extraction may turn into surgical removal. Some child patient may cry his heart out leaving you clueless in the middle of a ward. You may have to break bad news to your patients. You may get doubted of your competency and feel like crap sitting in the locker room. Some days you may want to just disappear into nothingness. Some people may let you down. You may let yourself down. 

Nevertheless I want to able to find happiness in the midst of all the tears. Or else, I want to be able to walk away when I know I am unhappy. If last year has taught me anything, then this is it. Never settle for something or someone who may seem perfect but fail to make you happy. 

It's amazing how Grey's Anatomy has quotes to suit every situations in life.

It’s amazing how Grey’s Anatomy has quotes to suit every situations in life.

Dear 2013, 

I have to admit you were too hard to manage. There were times you hit me so hard that I wanted to just stop. There were times you lost me so badly that I felt like a blind, walking in zig-zag. Honestly I couldn’t wait to be done with you and say goodbye. Thank you for everything, I shall remember what you tried to tell me. And now, the long awaited goodbye. 

Sincerely,

2014-better-be-good.

 

Road of Joy.

Not only success, happiness too takes its own sweet time to knock on your door. You were told that happiness is nowhere outside, it’s only within yourself. Yet, you never seemed to understand.

You thought it has beautiful wings like a rare butterfly and started chasing after a few. One after another.

You thought happiness is completeness and you searched for the one who you believed your other half.

You mistook that happiness is growing wings and flying far from your nest. Only to come home one day. 

You had a set of quotes to describe happiness. You thought prayers bring happiness. 

You build a wall around you hoping to contain happiness. Only to be proven otherwise. 

It took Time, to heal the wounds and refresh your heart. It took hard times to show you what happiness really is. 

It is in the blessings you count each morning upon waking up. It is in the love of parents, who seemed to understand you in the time of despair. It is in the affection of friends, who genuinely wish for your success and miss your presence. It is in the eyes of your dog. It is in the nature, when the wind blows hard. It is in the food that you cook, every onions that you cut, every drop of oil in the pan.

It is in you, sitting on the swing and watching your neighborhood kids screaming at one another. 

Want me, like I want you.

I was told that I am such a 2000, millennium person – by a guy younger by 3 years to me. Because I am so attached to my mobile phone. Yeah, I get restless when the phone is dead. I always keep my charger in my handbag. I walk around finding for power ports and when I find one, I settle right there, on the floor. I drain my battery surfing internet. I literally feel useless when it gives up on me. I stare at the screen till I fall asleep. My homescreen wallpapers are the current happenings in my life. We are attached like a pair of Siamese twins.

Therefore I have decided. When my King arrives, I’d know it. Not by jiggles of bells or lighting up of bulbs. But by me ditching my mobile, completely – without a care in the world. When a man could distract me from my mobile, the King has finally arrived.

Feet that sway.

The most amazing moment since the year started – when the curtain unveiled and light shone on me on the stage. The overwhelming happiness is indescribable. Like there is nothing that could go wrong anymore. Nothing that is beyond the oceans. Nothing that is beyond this horizon. Everything is in my feet. Home – is where I could dance effortlessly. Six months of preparation, two months of practice, disappointments, hopelessness, everything. Just everything got paid off. Seeing the 14 girls dance so gracefully brought tears of joy to my eyes.

For day 1, when I had only 8 dancers instead of 15. For the day I got turned down by many of my own close friends. For the moment I almost gave up. For the ridiculous moments getting inspired at the literal road side. For the countless times of listening to the songs. For the final relief of getting enough dancers. For the jokes we played on each other during the practices. For the funny name callings. For standing up for each other. For the gossips we shared. Nachle Zara – a memory to bring to grave.

nachle zara 3

 

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” – Paulo Coelho

It’s easy to blame your childhood for the flaws you possess in your adulthood. Your insecurities, detachment from your surroundings and rebel against rules. Not all single child turn out to be stubborn about the choices they make in their lives. They don’t strive so hard to be different from everyone else around them. They don’t kill to break free from the chain and fly somewhere far. Somewhere so far that nobody actually knows them. Some far away land where they believe their dreams reside. They don’t limit themselves with certain capacities to love. They don’t keep asking tremendous questions about the purpose of their existence. They don’t fear dependency like it’s a sin. They don’t equate love and relationship to loss of freedom to live their live. They don’t speak about themselves in third person point of view. Then you realize, it has nothing to do with your childhood but your own reckless manner of living your life. It’s your own mode of self destruction you tuned your life into. 

Happy Birthday, my Hero.

It all started – 23 years and 28 days ago. Or maybe when we were conceived and kicking ass in our mothers’ wombs. If I still believe in unconditional love, that would be the love I have for you and you, for me. If there is a man who could free me from all fears, that would be you. If I would let down my guards and be totally vulnerable with, it will be with you. If there is a Superhero exists, it is you.

From day one I held onto your hand and followed your footsteps literally everywhere, it has been the same till now. I remember the days when I looked forward to every weekends, tirelessly traveled by two buses, only to see you. To roam around the bushes, create our own games, listen to your stories and laugh endlessly. We had our own baby made out of Legos and we brought him out for a walk – under an umbrella. We had our own temple with an idol made of brick. We climbed the double decker bed to eaves drop the elders talking in the living room. We pretended to be asleep – until the lights went off. We hid ourselves under the blanket and talked nonsense until we fell asleep. In the morning, we waited until the other wakes up so that we walk out of the room together. We were punished to sit so far from each other because they can’t control us. Yet we stole glances at each other, making fun of everyone else – in our own mute language.

I do want to change some parts of my childhood for the painful events they brought me. For the effect they have upon me now. However I’d never want to change the impact you leave on me. The laughs you granted me. The efforts you took to make me happy. All the ways you protected me, from everyone who tried to harm me.

 

Many times I wonder what goes on in your mind. Someone who always strives to bring laughter and joy to others. Someone who doesn’t demand much from those in his life. Someone who is capable of pulling off anything. Someone who wants to keep everyone together. Someone who hides what he feels deep inside, only not to offend others. Someone who thinks for others before himself.

Brother, I love you so much. Safe to say, more than anyone else. I want to be like this till forever. This blind obsession I have of you. The countless times I speak about you to everyone else. The broad smile that blooms on my face each time I hear your name. The joy I feel to be around you. You deserve all the happiness in this world – my share put together too. Take all you want from my life. And I’ll still be happy and content. To be your sister.

The moment you stop dancing, life stops.

Indifference. You never know when it’s going to hit you, but when it does; it gives a full blow. You get so engrossed in scheduled daily routine. Nothing actually excites you. Not the usual flossy clouds, nor the shadowy canopy walk. Not the wedding preparations, nor the never ending shopping. Not the flock of friends, nor the lonesome coffee moment. You aren’t sad nor happy. You’re just indifferent, with unsettling apathy. 

 

Out of nowhere (or you know exactly from where), a ray of light shines. The light grows. Bigger and bigger. Until it shines throughout the room. Like it’s meant to be. The light brings music to the soul. It inspires you to tap your feet along. The tapping grow faster and you start to dance like you’re always meant to.

You start smiling to yourself. Rebuilding your dreams. Reform the beliefs. Though you realize it’s unwise to keep fantasizing. 

“Sometimes all you want is change your life completely.”