Queen – when there is a King.

The mind is crazy, too. Doesn't seem to obey.

The mind is crazy, too. Doesn’t seem to obey.

I say I hate hypocrites. Yet, I am a hypocrite myself. I say I am righteous. Yet, I commit sins. I say I am non-judgmental. Yet, I generalize. I say I live for the present. Yet, I allow the past and future affect my choices in life. I say I am a lover. Yet, I dread love and attachments. I say I am truthful. Yet, I encourage white lies. I say I am loyal. Yet, I cheat. I say I don’t label. Yet, I have so many tags for myself. Yes, I am a hypocrite myself.

Almost all my life I am seeking for truth and righteousness; speak the truth, even if it hurts others; do the right thing, though you may have to break hearts. However I wonder who decides upon right and wrong in life? Holy scriptures? Holy men? God? If it is God himself, he resides in every being. Which in turn makes everyone God ourselves. If everything is determined by mere books and words of others, what is the use of our own instincts and consciousness?  Aren’t they created for a certain purpose as well?

Instincts. It’s a weird thing. It’s a like a voice, in your head; a light, in your heart. When you’re about to leave your home, the voice keeps reminding you to take along your keys. When you’re about to pass a traffic light, it rings a bell in your head. To me, instincts drive me towards right and wrong in life. It rings an alarm bell in my head when something harmful is going to happen. It stops from committing actions that may put me in danger. It echoes jingles in my head when I’m about to do something good. Something that is useful for myself and my surroundings.

Why do I believe in instincts and consciousness so much? Because I know all human beings are good, at the core. Nobody is evil, without a foundation of kindness. And at the same time, no single soul is noble without a tint of poison in them. There is no specific categories of rights and wrongs, which satisfy every soul. Right and wrong is also not transcendental. They can be interchangeable, and what determines is our instincts.

One fine day, your instincts may direct you to board the plane and fly to a random land. You may have known the subject of interest for a month, but your instincts may urge you to trust them and end up in their arms. You may have plenty of questions and restlessness, but when you meet, everything dissolves into thin air.

Some voyages are different from the other. They echo passion so loud that it could blare out any silence. The silences are so comfortable that you don’t hurry to break them. You get to gaze far deep into the waves with having fingers entangled with yours. You took a step into land of oblivion and you achieve full anonymity. You abandon your beloved inseparable mobile to give way to pleasantries along the long drive. You surrender yourself completely without holding anything for yourself. You trust, without wanting for more.

Some times in life, you have to be selfish. Selfish to be happy. Selfish to just give in to instincts and follow them blindly. It gives me some amount of happiness that I am free to commit mistakes and fulfill rights along the way. Right now, I am being selfish. To do justice to myself. For myself. By myself.

Now I am sober and there’s only the hangover and the memory of love. -Rumi 

Dance like there’s no one watching

This exhaustion is so familiar. The same exhaustion I felt every weekend when I was 10. The same aching lower limbs. The exact points where the skin peels off from the soles of my feet. The same way I use a fat pillow to support my calves. Once upon a time I didn’t know this is happiness. Now that I do, I’m not letting go of it again.

The warrior has spoken

There is something very sexy about swords. Especially the hilt of the sword. Somewhere amidst the growing up process, I shifted my imagination from being a feminine demure Cinderella to a bold princess. I wish believe that in my last birth, my father was a King of an ancient Indian kingdom and he trained me in sword dueling and archery.

when Love beckons you, follow him.

The world is a sexist place. Men have huge expectations to meet. They have to be strong no matter what happens. They should not shed tears even at the lowest point of their lives. They have to go on their knees proposing in every creative ways they can think of. They have to put up with PMSes. They are obliged to be macho at all times. Some men can’t use facial cleansers and mosturisers without being critisized by their friends. They have to be successful in their life. They have to earn four figures in order not to be labelled as a loser. They can’t lodge reports against rape cases. They can’t be victims at any scenario. They have to pay for dinners or else will be mocked for being stingy. They have to perform awesomely on bed. They have to meet all kinds of unrealistic expectations girls like me built in our dreams. It is really hard to raise a son into a confident man in our current world. Everyone runs to a girl who falls down from her bicycle. Unfortunately boy her age has to get up on his own somehow, without bothering about the bruises that he got on his knees.


“And the warrior has now made the unique woman his princess, and now is embarking on a journey where he would be able to make her the queen of the kingdom.”

Miracle in Every Minute

At 5 in the morning, I have this urge of writing. After centuries of being uninspired, finally something is flowing through the veins of my fingers.

I was reading By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept and this sudden calmness splashed through me.

By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

It was more like I swished through the spiral of calmness. How in the holy earth can spiral be calm? Spirals make you dizzy. They’re always a feature in optical illusion pictures.

I am not Pilar, I am not battling with my heart (only with notes,thank god), I still believe in frogs transforming into princes, I let down my hair almost ALL the freaking time.

Paulo-induced or not, I like this calmness without questions, without Yes No pick-lots, without racing heartbeats, without distractions. What is the name of  this newly-found so-called calmness, I shall not discover it now. The time is not here yet. When it does, I’d sure know. Because like Paulo says, the minute miracle is all around us, in every 1440 minutes per day. It’s only the matter of us wanting to realize or let it go wasted.

Mere attraction

Yeah it’s mere attraction. I’m more of certain now. You get attracted when you meet a nice sweet person. And the next step would be taken IF the other party is attracted as well. If no mutual attraction takes place, we can be friends as usual. That’s what I WANT to happen. They are  those whom I can’t bear to lose at any cost.

Again I proved myself bloody emotional. Cried for no apparent reason. Only difference is this time I did it in front of my besties. Listening to them discussing and exchanging opinions did open up my eyes. No point in tearing for things that will drift you apart. Thinking of these two guys really drifts me apart. And I hate it when all I could do is drawing up my own conclusions.

I’m glad that I’m done with my thinking and having a clear cut decision made up in my mind. Friends are important and you should not mourn when you’re having fun together. My problems are mine to solve. When I’m with them, all I should do is smile and laugh. 🙂

Cinderella

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn’t make countdown like I used to. I was too busy and super tensed bout CA. I don’t remember working that hard for my first CA though. Maybe that’s why I screwed all my papers. This time I’m really really hoping for better marks, even in Biochem which I actually screwed too. If I don’t score well, then it’s obvious that I don’t belong here. I don’t deserve a dental seat. 😡

Now birthday story. Had a very very quiet one at home this year. No special presents but I did feel special. From 12 am. It’s like Cinderella. But my ballroom dance starts at 12. And went on till the next day 12 a.m. I don’t know if people really think I’m worth all these attention or all birthday babies do get this. Whatever it is, I enjoyed everything. Every single text messages and phone calls. Especially the one I made. 😉

I feel like being my old self again. you know the old putri-like gal who doesn’t give a damn about serious issues but more concerned about friends, boyfriend and fashion. No anatomy, biochemistry tension. Instead you have a boyfriend, cool mother, a car to move around, and a group of girlfriends to help every time you’re down with problems. Just be dependent to those who love you. Life will be way easier than what I’m facing in campus. I wish I have a huge make over. From wardrobe to mindset. :S


Daphne Sings Happy Birthday

Today is Daphne’s birthday. The day when everyone dear to her will make it a point to mark it special. Special for them and for Daphne. They’ll try all means of ways to acknowledge her that she is still precious to them. And Daphne being a super sweet bunny takes every single tiny miny thing into count when it comes to love. Her friends from far would call or send her mails. Her close buddies will keep awake till 12 a.m. just to sing her Happy Birthday.

Everyone who called and mailed are dear to Daphne. But Rocky calling was the most surprising thing that happened. Her clock ticked past 12 and calls started to pour upon her. Her clock ticked past 12.30 and she was feeling somewhat upset. Then the minute pointer went past number 8 and Rocky called. She was shocked and happy. Her hands were trembling slightly and her heart seriously skipped a beat. Rocky told her that he slept off and actually woke up again to wish her. How sweet. It may sound silly to others but to a person who counts every single blessings that she gets, this means a lot. Especially when the one you really adore does this. Being an alpha-male, that badger didn’t hesitate to admit that he wanted to talk longer with her. Again sweetness. 😛

Seriously Daphne was just wondering if she should give up loving him. Without any positive reactions from him, she didnt want to be flying kites. But again things happened in a way that is actually encouraging her to continue with more confidence. Each time she wants to stop everything, something will pop up. Any tiny event that will keep her longing for Rocky. That may be with or without his knowledge, but Daphne wish she could somehow express her love to Rocky.

p/s (or at least he reads this posts) -sigh-

How well does Daphne know Rocky?

Can you answer 85 questions about just one person !?

1) What’s their name?
. hem hem..Rocky.
2) Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
. mhmm..nope. 🙂
3) Do you get along with this person all the time?
. they fight and argue yet she adores him like nobody else. 🙂
4) How old is the person?
. 20 in 5 more days
5) Has he/she ever cooked for you?
. nope. hmm..
6) Is this person older than you?
. nope and it’s not a problem
7) Have you ever kissed this person?
. aha. nope.
8.) How about hug?
. yeah and rocky was kinda blur. 😛
9) Are you related to this person?
.luckily i’m not since he dislikes most of his relatives
10) Are you really close to this person?
.to a comfortable extend yes. 🙂

11) Nickname?
. Rocky itself a nick
12.) Do they have a nickname for you?
. idk.i wish i cud noe (if any)
13) How many times do you talk to this person during a week?
. unless i call,it will be centuries.
14) Will this person repost this?
. he wont even read this 🙂
15) Do you live with this person?
. i can get super jiwang-fied ya know. i live with him in a small inn built in my heart. eewww..
16) Why is this person your number one?
. for Daphne he is cuz she’s madly in love with him.
17) Are you their number one?
. nope.rocky is an ego-centric alpha-male badger.he is his number one.
18.) How long have you known this person?
. one year and 10 months?
19) Have you ever been to the mall with this person?
.yes 🙂
20) Have you ever had a sleepover with this person?
. nope. ( i wish? 😉 )

21) If you ever moved away would you miss this person?
.well he’s the one so determined to move and hell yeah i’m gona miss him like no words can explain 😦
23) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person?
. never gone to that stage yet.
24) Do you know everything about this person?
.nope.rocky is just too mysterious and daphne loves that part of him!
25) Would you date this person’s siblings?
. nope.Daphne just wants Rocky. thank you. 🙂
26) Have you ever made out with this person?
.  nope. cuz we dont compromise casual sex.
27) Do you know this person’s address?
. yes 🙂
28.) How many classes do you have with him/her?
. never had.
29) Have you gone skinny dipping with this person?
. nop!
30) Who does this person like? Does he/she know who you like?
.idk who he likes. and yes he knows daphne likes him but that’s bout it. he doesnt know bout daphne rocky yada yada yada.. wish he does though 😦

31) Is this person on drugs?
. hmm.maybe that’s how he got his abs? 😛
32) What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done to this person?
. seriously nothing. ask him and see. if he mentions any, i promise will chop him off.
36) Have you ever heard this person sing?
. haha.his type of song,yeah. rofl.
37) Have you ever hated this person?
. yes when he cursed daphne twice. *shakes head*
38.) Do you and this person have a saying/word?
. “yenna kathey? ”  😛
39) Do you know this person’s Facebook password?
.never will i guess. i mean that alpha male giving away his pw?? u gotta be kidding.
40) When was the last time you saw him/her?
. 14 dec 2008 when the bus was moving and him standing at the side of the pavement and the moment i realized IT IS love after all. 🙂
41) Have you and this person ever gotten into a fight that lasted for more than 2 months?
. the latest was less than 12 hours cuz he apologized and daphne being nice forgave him.
42) What would you do if you had never met this person?
. meet him in the end somehow to be crazy all over him like now. 🙂
43) Would you consider this person a rebel, or one that follows the rules?
. REBEL to the extreme 🙂
44) Have you and this person gone clubbing?
. nyehh.
45) Do you know how to make this person feel happy?
. idk.he talks alot when he wants to.he tells me stuff.hopefully i’m not playing a doormat here.
46) Do you and this person talk a lot?
. kinda?
47) Do you like this person?
. it’s love baby love. 🙂
48.) Has this person yelled at you?
.not yet
49) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?
. nope.doesnt mind though 😀
50) Do you want to go out with this person?
.as long as it’s not to a rock party,i’m on.

51) Do you want to be friends with this person FOREVER?
. hell yes. tat’s why i’m posting this particular thing here rather than fs or fb.
52) When is the last time you talked to this person?
. as in real talking, on last sunday.
53) Do you text this person?
. not unless anything imp.
54) Do you and this person talk on the phone?
. not more than once in a week. i mean that’s if i call.
55) Describe this person in one word?
. Rocky. (explains everything)
56) Is this person smart?
. in his areas yeah.
57) Have you ever played a sport or watched a sport with this person?
. nope.not even once.eventho we shared the same uni for a year. 😦
58.) Have you met this person’s family?
. nope
59) Has this person been to your house?
. nope
60) Do you and this person have a special song?
. knowing his type of songs, nope and i’m glad. 😛

61) Have you told this person you loved them before?
. -sigh-
64) What grade is this person?
. he’s in college
65) Do you hang out with this person on weekends?
. used to
66) Would you consider this person your best friend?
. not a bestie. cant stand an alpha male as my bestie no matter how much i love him.
67) Do you miss this person?
.like  alot?
68.) Is there a song that describes the relationship between you and this person?
. eppoda ennai paarpe -kaalai..
69) Have you danced with this person?
. not really
70) Do you think this person is going to be surprised you wrote this about them?
. yes he will and he’ll feel super duper bad and he’ll either start avoiding me or stop talking to me.which is why i post it here cuz i know he doesnt read my blog.
71) How many siblings does this person have?
. 2
72) If so, brother or sister?
. elder bro and sis
73) Have you ever cried in front of this person?
. nope.i duwan to .
74) When is the next time you will see this person?
. maybe midyear.before he leaves. 😦
75) Do you tell this person secrets?
. depends which one
76) Do you trust this person?
. yes. my trust is proportional to my love.
78.) Do you play any sports with this person?
. i wish.
79) If so, what are they ?
.  –
80) Does this person play sports?
. yes
81) If so, which sports?
. footie. badminton. gymming
82) Have you been to this persons house?
. nehi
83) What is this persons favorite song?
. god knows man. and he knows. i’d never get hold of his songs.never.
84)Does this person speak another language?
. tamil,bm,russian soon.
85) Do you think you’ll ever get tired of having this person in your life?
. this one i’m sure : nope,never will.no matter how bitter he is. how quiet he is. how sarcastic he is. how boring he is. i’m just totally in love with him and accept him the way he is.

p/s there’s one movie which resembles us. Chori Chori. 🙂

out out brief candle

She is sick. All she wanted was some space and a bit of respect. She knew better than to expect understanding but they’re all she’d got. They’re the most important people in her entire life yet they fail to understand her. Life can be brutal at times. Without space to breathe. Everyone expects her to follow without obligations. But at times she feels like they’re all actually selfish in their own way. Her life is like depending on a needle. Needle of FAMILY. She loves them the dearest. Yet she can’t stand them injecting her with values that she can’t really conect with.  At this point she wants out. Somewhere very very far from her current location.

Letting go requires more love than staying

Being awake till 5.33 a.m. brings in a few things into my restless mind. It has been restless for some time now. Since I listened to the Vizhiyile song in the afternoon. I’m very amazed at how much a song can affect a person (me). It made me realize how much of love do I have for certain things in life. The magic of love. No matter what the end is, we’re willing to take the risk. Also because of love we let go of certain other things in life. Why do you think I’m here doing what I’m doing? Why else do you think I’m keener of leaving than before? Because of LOVE I have for them and he has for me.

 Yen intha saabanggal Naan paavam illaiya?                   

Vithi kannamoochi vilayaada NAAM kathal bommaiya? 

 [Why this curse for me, am I not pitiful? Are we the love puppets to be  played by Fate?]