Queen – when there is a King.

The mind is crazy, too. Doesn't seem to obey.

The mind is crazy, too. Doesn’t seem to obey.

I say I hate hypocrites. Yet, I am a hypocrite myself. I say I am righteous. Yet, I commit sins. I say I am non-judgmental. Yet, I generalize. I say I live for the present. Yet, I allow the past and future affect my choices in life. I say I am a lover. Yet, I dread love and attachments. I say I am truthful. Yet, I encourage white lies. I say I am loyal. Yet, I cheat. I say I don’t label. Yet, I have so many tags for myself. Yes, I am a hypocrite myself.

Almost all my life I am seeking for truth and righteousness; speak the truth, even if it hurts others; do the right thing, though you may have to break hearts. However I wonder who decides upon right and wrong in life? Holy scriptures? Holy men? God? If it is God himself, he resides in every being. Which in turn makes everyone God ourselves. If everything is determined by mere books and words of others, what is the use of our own instincts and consciousness?  Aren’t they created for a certain purpose as well?

Instincts. It’s a weird thing. It’s a like a voice, in your head; a light, in your heart. When you’re about to leave your home, the voice keeps reminding you to take along your keys. When you’re about to pass a traffic light, it rings a bell in your head. To me, instincts drive me towards right and wrong in life. It rings an alarm bell in my head when something harmful is going to happen. It stops from committing actions that may put me in danger. It echoes jingles in my head when I’m about to do something good. Something that is useful for myself and my surroundings.

Why do I believe in instincts and consciousness so much? Because I know all human beings are good, at the core. Nobody is evil, without a foundation of kindness. And at the same time, no single soul is noble without a tint of poison in them. There is no specific categories of rights and wrongs, which satisfy every soul. Right and wrong is also not transcendental. They can be interchangeable, and what determines is our instincts.

One fine day, your instincts may direct you to board the plane and fly to a random land. You may have known the subject of interest for a month, but your instincts may urge you to trust them and end up in their arms. You may have plenty of questions and restlessness, but when you meet, everything dissolves into thin air.

Some voyages are different from the other. They echo passion so loud that it could blare out any silence. The silences are so comfortable that you don’t hurry to break them. You get to gaze far deep into the waves with having fingers entangled with yours. You took a step into land of oblivion and you achieve full anonymity. You abandon your beloved inseparable mobile to give way to pleasantries along the long drive. You surrender yourself completely without holding anything for yourself. You trust, without wanting for more.

Some times in life, you have to be selfish. Selfish to be happy. Selfish to just give in to instincts and follow them blindly. It gives me some amount of happiness that I am free to commit mistakes and fulfill rights along the way. Right now, I am being selfish. To do justice to myself. For myself. By myself.

Now I am sober and there’s only the hangover and the memory of love. -Rumi 

Dance like there’s no one watching

This exhaustion is so familiar. The same exhaustion I felt every weekend when I was 10. The same aching lower limbs. The exact points where the skin peels off from the soles of my feet. The same way I use a fat pillow to support my calves. Once upon a time I didn’t know this is happiness. Now that I do, I’m not letting go of it again.

The warrior has spoken

There is something very sexy about swords. Especially the hilt of the sword. Somewhere amidst the growing up process, I shifted my imagination from being a feminine demure Cinderella to a bold princess. I wish believe that in my last birth, my father was a King of an ancient Indian kingdom and he trained me in sword dueling and archery.

when Love beckons you, follow him.

The world is a sexist place. Men have huge expectations to meet. They have to be strong no matter what happens. They should not shed tears even at the lowest point of their lives. They have to go on their knees proposing in every creative ways they can think of. They have to put up with PMSes. They are obliged to be macho at all times. Some men can’t use facial cleansers and mosturisers without being critisized by their friends. They have to be successful in their life. They have to earn four figures in order not to be labelled as a loser. They can’t lodge reports against rape cases. They can’t be victims at any scenario. They have to pay for dinners or else will be mocked for being stingy. They have to perform awesomely on bed. They have to meet all kinds of unrealistic expectations girls like me built in our dreams. It is really hard to raise a son into a confident man in our current world. Everyone runs to a girl who falls down from her bicycle. Unfortunately boy her age has to get up on his own somehow, without bothering about the bruises that he got on his knees.

“And the warrior has now made the unique woman his princess, and now is embarking on a journey where he would be able to make her the queen of the kingdom.”

Miracle in Every Minute

At 5 in the morning, I have this urge of writing. After centuries of being uninspired, finally something is flowing through the veins of my fingers.

I was reading By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept and this sudden calmness splashed through me.

By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

It was more like I swished through the spiral of calmness. How in the holy earth can spiral be calm? Spirals make you dizzy. They’re always a feature in optical illusion pictures.

I am not Pilar, I am not battling with my heart (only with notes,thank god), I still believe in frogs transforming into princes, I let down my hair almost ALL the freaking time.

Paulo-induced or not, I like this calmness without questions, without Yes No pick-lots, without racing heartbeats, without distractions. What is the name of  this newly-found so-called calmness, I shall not discover it now. The time is not here yet. When it does, I’d sure know. Because like Paulo says, the minute miracle is all around us, in every 1440 minutes per day. It’s only the matter of us wanting to realize or let it go wasted.

Mere attraction

Yeah it’s mere attraction. I’m more of certain now. You get attracted when you meet a nice sweet person. And the next step would be taken IF the other party is attracted as well. If no mutual attraction takes place, we can be friends as usual. That’s what I WANT to happen. They are  those whom I can’t bear to lose at any cost.

Again I proved myself bloody emotional. Cried for no apparent reason. Only difference is this time I did it in front of my besties. Listening to them discussing and exchanging opinions did open up my eyes. No point in tearing for things that will drift you apart. Thinking of these two guys really drifts me apart. And I hate it when all I could do is drawing up my own conclusions.

I’m glad that I’m done with my thinking and having a clear cut decision made up in my mind. Friends are important and you should not mourn when you’re having fun together. My problems are mine to solve. When I’m with them, all I should do is smile and laugh. 🙂


Yesterday was my birthday. I didn’t make countdown like I used to. I was too busy and super tensed bout CA. I don’t remember working that hard for my first CA though. Maybe that’s why I screwed all my papers. This time I’m really really hoping for better marks, even in Biochem which I actually screwed too. If I don’t score well, then it’s obvious that I don’t belong here. I don’t deserve a dental seat. 😡

Now birthday story. Had a very very quiet one at home this year. No special presents but I did feel special. From 12 am. It’s like Cinderella. But my ballroom dance starts at 12. And went on till the next day 12 a.m. I don’t know if people really think I’m worth all these attention or all birthday babies do get this. Whatever it is, I enjoyed everything. Every single text messages and phone calls. Especially the one I made. 😉

I feel like being my old self again. you know the old putri-like gal who doesn’t give a damn about serious issues but more concerned about friends, boyfriend and fashion. No anatomy, biochemistry tension. Instead you have a boyfriend, cool mother, a car to move around, and a group of girlfriends to help every time you’re down with problems. Just be dependent to those who love you. Life will be way easier than what I’m facing in campus. I wish I have a huge make over. From wardrobe to mindset. :S

Daphne Sings Happy Birthday

Today is Daphne’s birthday. The day when everyone dear to her will make it a point to mark it special. Special for them and for Daphne. They’ll try all means of ways to acknowledge her that she is still precious to them. And Daphne being a super sweet bunny takes every single tiny miny thing into count when it comes to love. Her friends from far would call or send her mails. Her close buddies will keep awake till 12 a.m. just to sing her Happy Birthday.

Everyone who called and mailed are dear to Daphne. But Rocky calling was the most surprising thing that happened. Her clock ticked past 12 and calls started to pour upon her. Her clock ticked past 12.30 and she was feeling somewhat upset. Then the minute pointer went past number 8 and Rocky called. She was shocked and happy. Her hands were trembling slightly and her heart seriously skipped a beat. Rocky told her that he slept off and actually woke up again to wish her. How sweet. It may sound silly to others but to a person who counts every single blessings that she gets, this means a lot. Especially when the one you really adore does this. Being an alpha-male, that badger didn’t hesitate to admit that he wanted to talk longer with her. Again sweetness. 😛

Seriously Daphne was just wondering if she should give up loving him. Without any positive reactions from him, she didnt want to be flying kites. But again things happened in a way that is actually encouraging her to continue with more confidence. Each time she wants to stop everything, something will pop up. Any tiny event that will keep her longing for Rocky. That may be with or without his knowledge, but Daphne wish she could somehow express her love to Rocky.

p/s (or at least he reads this posts) -sigh-