I am openly declaring my addiction to Facebook, ever since I got my account back in 2008. FB is equivalent to the Internet to me. Like I can use both the terms interchangeably. Facebook-Online. Online-Facebook. My stalking skills are so remarkable that I’d be able to figure out relationship status based on profile picture album. I could waste 2127382872 hours lurking in completely useless facebook pages, pressing NEXT NEXT NEXT.
No, I’m not proud. At the same time, I’m not ashamed either. At least I got infected by facebook virus instead of herpes or gonorrhea. Amma Appa, be proud of your child.
Since I face Facebook more than I have ever faced any of my ex boyfriends, yes I get extremely annoyed when my quality time is being intruded by some turn offs. And anyway I’ve also self-diagnosed myself with OCD, so I like making lists.
1. Bloody POKE button.
It annoys me so much that I don’t know why, myself when someone random pokes me. I feel that’s the rudest thing one could do to another human being. You don’t know me, you get deceived by my pictures and find me attractive, so you thought why not I poke her for attention. WRONG. That’s like telling me I want to be in your pants,but you’re not worth a conversation. And it’s creepy when you keep getting pokes from the same person after you delete the notification, every day. If you want attention, effing inbox the person. No matter how bad your grammar is. Kidding!
2. Bad BAd BAD grammar.
I know we’re not all Shakespeares and Jane Austens, so we don’t need to swallow the dictionary and start burping out bombastic words. But I believe all of us went to school and had English as our secondthirdfourth language. For holy Christ sake, know the difference between your and you’re. That’s the least you could do to prolong humanity in this era. Why would you put yourself under the hassle of turning on the computer, paying for the Internet, spend time creating and making your account alive if you also can be stupid by just your mere existence?
3. Delete and block.
You believe it or not, you like or not; etiquette is everywhere. Facebook has a rule of conduct as well. I don’t care if there isn’t. From this moment, there is.
When you add someone and they approve your request, you have virtually shook hands with the person. Just like how you do it in parties. When you start up a conversation, you have initiated a virtual friendship. The least you could before you deleting your virtual friend, is by informing them.
Don’t just wake up one morning, break up with your girlfriend and decide to delete her close circle. They didn’t ask you to add them in the first place. Or maybe they did add you themselves, because you were respected as your girlfriend’s boyfriend.
What do you do when you’re given respect by someone? Yes, you return them. Bingo!
In a word, I’d call you an asshole if you delete one of my friends and not the others. Why the privilege and honor? If you think you don’t like my friends, trust me; they don’t like seeing you in their newsfeed as well. Amen.
4. Profile name.
If Princess Fiona had Facebook account, she wouldn’t have called herself PWiNCeSs FiONa. And Jasmine wouldn’t have called herself Da Sexylicious. If you were not born with a Sweetie as your last name, you seem stupid when you use it. Blabla Sweetie has sent you a friend request.
My face goes wheeeerrt?!!
5. Profile pictures.
Don’t even get me started on this. I have a feeling it’s a desi thing, because I don’t see any other people having celebrity pictures as their display. If you aren’t having that hot body of Deepika Padukone, don’t effing have her as your display picture.
As easy as that. I get friend request from some stranger who seems to have some mutual friends and last name Sweetie and bam! profile picture album filled with Genelias and Hansikas. How am I supposed to recognize you?
If your parents don’t allow you to place your own picture in Facebook, you’re probably too young for this shit and please please please get back to your non-existent real life.
6. Uncrowned Drama Queen.
Check your head. Is there a tiara?
Your imaginations are invalid.
I know I know. I may have done this too. It’s so tempting to put up a status filled with your daily happenings. Like you’re Malaysiakini and the nation is feeding on your news. But no. My newsfeed bleeds when you keep going on and on about how noble you are for rescuing a dog in the rain, holding up an umbrella and feeding him milk, mixed all by yourself. Yeah yeah, I applause your actions but don’t go overboard and expect the world to hail you.
Stop blowing your own effing trumpet.
In fact I have some really noble people in my friends list who do real jobs of service and making the world a better place to live in. You are a disgrace to people like that. And sometimes I’m related to these people. I just want to die.
I know this post has been rant rant rant all over. Well it was intended to be so. If you’re reading this, and you figured you turned me off during my intimate time with Facebook; Shut your face!
And since you’re entitled to your own opinion, you can say Shut your face, yourself! Hide me from your newsfeed! Blablala. Sometimes you need amusement, on others’ expense. So I plead guilty.
On another note. I wish you Congratulations on your MBBS intake, on that beautiful island of Malta. May the sun do you extra goodness and tan you a little more. May the course never dull your excitement of life. May we watch the Mediterranean Sea sunset together, one day.