Price that you pay.

There were times I wanted to escape the reality and run to some anonymous land, to be a completely new person. Because I was so bored being me. Of the daily routine, of the same facial expressions, of the playlist that I didn’t change for 3 years now.  I was craving for attention for myself, from myself. I read novels and indulged myself into the fiction, hoping to be various persona at the same time. I ran through different plots in my head every night and I’d wake up to various dreams. Dreams that somehow fulfilled the boredom. When the dreams are off in the real world, I started doing few stupid things here and broke some rules there. And on the way, perhaps broke some relationship here and bits of trust there. Am I proud of what I have become? Not now. But one day, I shall tell myself these stupid mistakes molded me into someone I am going to be.

I don’t want to run anymore. I want to stay. To make amends. To prove myself. To feel proud of myself – again. It’s never too late to collect your pieces and start building up your rapport. Both personally and professionally.

A friend noticed my recent short posts and intended to follow it too. To avoid people judging based of what we write. I agreed to him, I still do. Though honestly, how can you expect people not to judge, when you say things more likely to be judged? I had this huge argument, rather childish I’d say about how non-judgmental I am, with another rather much elder person than I am. He claimed there’s nothing wrong at all in being judgmental and to be judged. I still can’t see the exact point, but I hope I will be as wise as him too. I may not judge, but to be judged is something I can’t avoid. Especially for the things that I say and do.

On the other hand, I could go to bed in peace. Thank you, Lord; for the little iloveyoutoos, IDDs and requited affection, may it be legal or not.


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