I say I hate hypocrites. Yet, I am a hypocrite myself. I say I am righteous. Yet, I commit sins. I say I am non-judgmental. Yet, I generalize. I say I live for the present. Yet, I allow the past and future affect my choices in life. I say I am a lover. Yet, I dread love and attachments. I say I am truthful. Yet, I encourage white lies. I say I am loyal. Yet, I cheat. I say I don’t label. Yet, I have so many tags for myself. Yes, I am a hypocrite myself.
Almost all my life I am seeking for truth and righteousness; speak the truth, even if it hurts others; do the right thing, though you may have to break hearts. However I wonder who decides upon right and wrong in life? Holy scriptures? Holy men? God? If it is God himself, he resides in every being. Which in turn makes everyone God ourselves. If everything is determined by mere books and words of others, what is the use of our own instincts and consciousness? Aren’t they created for a certain purpose as well?
Instincts. It’s a weird thing. It’s a like a voice, in your head; a light, in your heart. When you’re about to leave your home, the voice keeps reminding you to take along your keys. When you’re about to pass a traffic light, it rings a bell in your head. To me, instincts drive me towards right and wrong in life. It rings an alarm bell in my head when something harmful is going to happen. It stops from committing actions that may put me in danger. It echoes jingles in my head when I’m about to do something good. Something that is useful for myself and my surroundings.
Why do I believe in instincts and consciousness so much? Because I know all human beings are good, at the core. Nobody is evil, without a foundation of kindness. And at the same time, no single soul is noble without a tint of poison in them. There is no specific categories of rights and wrongs, which satisfy every soul. Right and wrong is also not transcendental. They can be interchangeable, and what determines is our instincts.
One fine day, your instincts may direct you to board the plane and fly to a random land. You may have known the subject of interest for a month, but your instincts may urge you to trust them and end up in their arms. You may have plenty of questions and restlessness, but when you meet, everything dissolves into thin air.
Some voyages are different from the other. They echo passion so loud that it could blare out any silence. The silences are so comfortable that you don’t hurry to break them. You get to gaze far deep into the waves with having fingers entangled with yours. You took a step into land of oblivion and you achieve full anonymity. You abandon your beloved inseparable mobile to give way to pleasantries along the long drive. You surrender yourself completely without holding anything for yourself. You trust, without wanting for more.
Some times in life, you have to be selfish. Selfish to be happy. Selfish to just give in to instincts and follow them blindly. It gives me some amount of happiness that I am free to commit mistakes and fulfill rights along the way. Right now, I am being selfish. To do justice to myself. For myself. By myself.
Now I am sober and there’s only the hangover and the memory of love. -Rumi