She is sick. All she wanted was some space and a bit of respect. She knew better than to expect understanding but they’re all she’d got. They’re the most important people in her entire life yet they fail to understand her. Life can be brutal at times. Without space to breathe. Everyone expects her to follow without obligations. But at times she feels like they’re all actually selfish in their own way. Her life is like depending on a needle. Needle of FAMILY. She loves them the dearest. Yet she can’t stand them injecting her with values that she can’t really conect with. At this point she wants out. Somewhere very very far from her current location.
After fussing over it for such a long time, it’s finally over. This year Deepavali was so normal compared to previous ones. Or is it just me? I think the latter applies more. I guess that’s the cruel part of growing up. You don’t get excited over small things anymore. All you think about is how to pass on another day. I kept thinking about my CA till i even brought my Clinical Anatomy book to Kampar. Damn! I should be studying but i’ve never done it in front of my relatives before. They nearly got a cardiac arrest but thank god i kept my studying attempts till midnight.
This year Deepavali day was super relaxing. With just us at home and me being online all the time. At night travelled all the way to Kampar as usual. We had a lil gathering at grannie’s. The best part was we couzies lepaking till late night. Had a stroll across the town. I wish we went to Ipoh though. Could have at least watch any movie. Done with the ok parts, now to bad ones. Again got critisized : bout the way i behave, the way i dress, the way i speak, they way i mix around, the way i comb my hair, the way i’ve changed. So all in all, AIMST changed Maithily. which means maithily doesn’t have her own brains. She is manipulatable. Pathethicness.
Self-pity. I totally hate it. I hate it even more when myself yielding it. Counting the times I had failures, I can be stamped as a complete LOSER. Having truths been thrown at your face breaks the optimistic wall you’ve built around you. People saying it with love and care makes things worse. My wall had few holes here and there and now collapsed. This time I know better than blaming anyone. Cause it’s my fault. Studies, friendships, bestie, relationship, family. From every aspects. All this while I was actually closing my eyes upon those aspects saying I’m blessed. Reality check. Here I am being a Loser with a capital L.