Somewhere amidst Histoplasma Capsulatum and Malassezia furfur lies my key of de-examfying myself. For the past 4 days I had my CA1 (that is Continuous Assessment to you non-AIMST people).

I SHOULD have feared my pants off, stressed myself till I grew more wrinkles than my mom, complained non-stop to every Tom Dick and Harry around me (ram doesn’t count ), stopped taking meals so that i lose 10 kilos and had this super grumpy-pot face so that nobody dares to near me.

None of those above happened.Thank Hanuman.I’m proud that I wasn’t stressed at all and continued smiling even though when I skipped intrinsic pathway of apoptosis and Dr.Bharathi chose to suck my marks via that. I’ll definitely note down the result of being fearless as this. If you happen to read headlines : Dental Student Found Dead of Septic Shock, you know my experiment didn’t turn out well.

In this past *counting* 2 years and half, this is the first time I’m staying here a night extra instead of running home RIGHT after exam ends. Yes, my hostel life is fun to the level that you fail to describe. That lovely roomies and friends I have here. Who said AIMST is a terrible place?

If you have noticed why there isn’t any virus name or any infection regarding them, that’s because I haven’t memorized anything about it. And the paper starts in less than 4 hours.

A friend said “You need self-discipline”. I’d say gimme your brains instead.

“Please Babajji, this is the limit. Please don’t give any more excitement for this night. Make it boring, please.”

Kareena said this for once in Jab We Met. And I said it like i-lost-count times two nights ago. I landed myself on a strange land for the first time with two dead cell phones and a complete set of family members who were worried sick of my whereabouts. I can’t remember when was the last time I acted in a such a dumb manner. I have TWO great phones with sickeningly short battery lives. Thankfully I didn’t get lost or get abducted or worse brutally raped and murdered. It must be my mind voice which was screaming at the top of my lungs so god heard it and decided to grant me all the adventures that I have no chance at all to get in this jungle campus. LRT trip would have been funner if I wasn’t dead tired. With only two hours of sleep the night before, all I wanted was a good night sleep. But god is great , he gave me a set of free lectures instead. Why the hell do you have two freaking phones? Do you have any idea how worried we were? Next time make sure u charge the cells fully and DON’T batter it off. Again my brother was at rescue chipping in some ideas for the PSP. Gosh I love him.

Livin’s  graduation was good. We’re all extremely proud of his achievements. I had this huuugge smile when I saw him in the oversized robe. PICC looked like another replica of AIMST Admin Building. We had a knack of time capturing pictures all over. Sadly, we had very little time for family chats. Even lunch was very brief. Guess that’s the life of cosmopolitan city. Nothing waits for you, including your family. But I’m very sure my next trip to Kay-Hell going to be a pleasant one, with my most favorite man bringing me around.

Now back to the place which gives me smiles, laughs, pleasant roomies, Sunday briyanis, sleepless nights, backaches and dark circles. My revisions are so far going OK. Oral Biology is awfully ridiculous. I don’t  see the point of learning it, plus my imagination level about HERS and amelogenesis is just near zero. God bless me.  I wouldn’t say too good but I definitely putting in more effort this time. It’s just the lack of fear that is scaring me. Everyone around me is scared and talking about the exams like all the freaking time. Study Study Study is like the only facebook status update that I’ve been seeing all this while. Uff how much I hate exam period. Every single person seems to lose their mind.

Please Babajji, compensate all the hassles I went through two nights ago with 4 distinctions.

I’m blessed to have you. Happy 21st.

This is my Facebook status. It’s going to be my yahoo status as well.

He’s the best man I’ve got in my life. Unlike many would be thinking, i’m not referring to any boyfriends. No boyfriends deserve such title – yet. He’s the one I grew up with, who have seen me in my worst tears, worst attires, worst crappy attitude, worst temper – yet loves me like apple of his eyes.  He never let me down in any arguments. He never allow anyone to bully me. Only he has the license for it, not even my mom. Whenever my mom chooses to criticize me in front of a bunch of relatives, he is there flapping his cape and bring me away from the torment. When my lappy shuts down, he’s there to bring it back to life. When i stupidly deleted my files, there he is with all sorts of softwares you could imagine. When I’m succumbed with those foul cramps, he’s there holding out Counter Pain (even though it’s from my drawer, yet the thought counts). When I forgot to add salt, he says nothing because it was my first time cooking for him. He introduced me to many wonderful things in life – and sometimes to a wonderful person. He may never favored it because of some unsaid reasons, but I believe he has only the best concern for me.

I wonder why he doesn’t like being wished upon birthdays. Might be one of his crap philosophies. But this year going to be the first which I’m not wishing him. And be with him for a change. I wanted to make it super special for him, and i think it’s not impossible. Thanks to the Almighty for bringing us together at this period of time – which happens to coincide with my CA. Uff.

I’m truly grateful. Thanks again, H.

Sometimes it makes you wonder what a challenge it is to be yourself – in the company of those who are supposed to be your most comfortable skin. And if you’re the type who gets sick of acting, it doesn’t get better. You feel like screaming at the top of your lungs, that this is what you’re under all the smiles and laughs. Yet it doesn’t make you feel better. You can’t act that you’re all into the plans and you can’t voice out that you’re not enjoying. You love them – a bit too much, maybe that’s what stops you from being a total rebel.

With an exam coming up, this is the last thing you would want to be hitched up with. Familial affairs are troublesome. Period.

At 5 in the morning, I have this urge of writing. After centuries of being uninspired, finally something is flowing through the veins of my fingers.

I was reading By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept and this sudden calmness splashed through me.

It was more like I swished through the spiral of calmness. How in the holy earth can spiral be calm? Spirals make you dizzy. They’re always a feature in optical illusion pictures.

I am not Pilar, I am not battling with my heart (only with notes,thank god), I still believe in frogs transforming into princes, I let down my hair almost ALL the freaking time.

Paulo-induced or not, I like this calmness without questions, without Yes No pick-lots, without racing heartbeats, without distractions. What is the name of  this newly-found so-called calmness, I shall not discover it now. The time is not here yet. When it does, I’d sure know. Because like Paulo says, the minute miracle is all around us, in every 1440 minutes per day. It’s only the matter of us wanting to realize or let it go wasted.

Rocky is one of the most unfortunate badgers in the entire Woodland. No matter how many bunnies he meets, no matter how many common things he finds for, no matter how much he ramps his bass dearest, he can never find a bunny who loved him as hopelessly as Daphne did. Maybe she didn’t express it as she should have done. She did not tell them that she adored hiking because of him. She did not let him know that she started to listen to the guarding angels. He had no idea of the snapshots of his that she had been collecting from all over.

She just didn’t have the guts – call her coward. She just didn’t want to lose her pride – call her egoistic. She just didn’t have the chance to – call it destiny. Some things are just meant to be or not to be. Taking that in mind, Daphne shifts to another land, which is situated quite opposite to Woodland. They could have been friends. But if they really were, Rocky would have at least said hi. Since he didn’t bother to, maybe they were never friends after all.

The title says it all. And I don’t intend to give away anything more than that. That’s what my brain says. But I have this super-disobedient-good-for-nothing heart which will then induce extra speed to my fingers and there it goes, all my misery to the world. And my friends who read this will be pouring up questions via msn ym fb asking what’s wrong. To make me feel even worse. No heart feelings guys. I’m just emo-ing, not being ungrateful or whatsoever.

I know I can blabber whatever nonsense I want here. I can bitch about the guys here because I never insist them to visit. So here is my own lost world. Lost world. That’s why I come whenever I’m lost into my own gray clouds.

What’s up with my instincts man? They’re the ones responsible for my anxiety. They make me think (un)neccessary things. OR I may know if they’re really unnecessary in few more hours. Oh I wish I could just sleep till the time comes cuz right now my concentration level is super duper low. And my brain is aching after being probed by thoughts.

p/s DISCLAIMER comes finally. This is another emo postso only read if you’re also as emo as i am.

DISCLAIMER : This is an emo post so whoever despises emo blog posts, just piss off.

Again I’m on the losing side. Whatever the game He’s playing, I’m defly going down the ladder this time. I chose to put in hope despite all the loose ends. Yet again I’ve been proved wrong. I mean c’mon what’s life without having hopes? That what writers brag in their writings. But when it’s me, my hopes gotta be crashed. In any way possible.

Things were alright UNTIL evening.

My few days old butterflies are already dying. How fair it is when they have JUST started to grow wings?? Let it be a year or a week or few days, my butterflies always die when they’re happily flapping their wings. Yet I never learn the lesson.

So this is a way of You telling me that I’m not worth anyfreakingbutterflies???

Life never fails to surprise us. I simply love the phrase. Whenever you feel you’ve seen everything, life proves you wrong by opening up a new path. I’ve been ignorant to quite a few people because of reasons unknown to myself. I just felt their requests were silly. Without seeing, without meeting and falling just by looking at pictures? Utter bullshit. I was just too arrogant to admit that I’m just a timid lil girl who doesn’t want to grow up at all.

Now everything is upside down. Totally. Never seen. Never mingled. No one-on-on talks. Never embraced. But strongly captivated. One may say it’s silly. Even I am admitting it sounds darn silly and without base at all. Yet here I am asking myself tremendous amount of questions. I wouldn’t be doing this if there isn’t something.

The spark is there. The chemistry is working. The voice is mesmerizing. The care is overflowing. The requests are obeyed. How how how? How without meeting even once? I am a dreamer but this time it’s like I’m captured in my own dream. Imprisoned within my own doubts. Times like this, God where are u hiding yourself? I’m asking you for signs. But without a proper prayer, I know you’re giving me the raised-eyebrow look now.

Well I’m just not prepared for any answer now. Butterflies are flying. Smiles all over. Headphones over the ears. I’m having fun. After all it’s no harm in knowing a new person right? Even if things don’t work out, we’d still be friends.

I seriously don’t know where is this heading and not intending to find out anytime soon either. I’m gona sit back and relax. Just the thing I’m doing now. When I’m true, good things will happen to me. Its’s all about karma anyway.

Like Paulo Coelho says:

“How to find your soul mate?”

“By taking risks.”

Guess I’m ready now for that.

When my life began to shatter, I took out my mobile and went through my contacts list. Guess what, I have nobody to cry to.

1.I have a family who loves me like we have no next birth.

2.I have a handful amount of friends who genuinely care for me.

3.I have a Lab who will somehow get the sad aura and start emo-ing for me.

However when I feel like just opening up and crying, I realized that I have zero person.I even brought myself to text the guy who means so much to me. But then it’s 1.30 a.m. and he must be fast asleep. I don’t have anyone to complain to!!

I’ve grown up building this wall around me and it’s like a sin to break it myself. Now all I can do is blog and hope I’ll get the remedy soon.

Of all times, NOW??? With my CA just 10 days away and I’m not even half prepared, I know this time I screwed it up for real. Damn! I never got myself into so much of physical pain before. Seriously I’m freaked out and scared like hell.

Everything happens for a reason. Yes. I still choose to believe in it. Again I realized how noble friends god has given me here. Des Jrmy Ebby and Thivy are just too good to be true. They know it’s contagious yet they brought me to clinic. Utter sweetness. But too bad I need more time to appreciate their sweetness cuz I’m just freaked out like hell. Amen.